Thursday, June 16, 2011

Monday



Monday
I see music
It’s watery
Like the juice that drips down my chin when I eat a peach
Sweet and fresh
The smell of Mom’s garden
Streaks my hair on summer nights
I swim freely
Slowly at first I dip a finger into the bowl
of piano notes
I swirl it around like honey
Thick and gooey
I taste it
A song glues itself to my heart
And tiptoes through my veins
Until I see the notes
And taste their nectar as they slide down my throat
Inhale the June -


    “Soleil!”
    The little black book vanished from my sight and my eyes snapped open to the face of my sister peering over me. Her blond hair was in braids and extended down past her tiny waist. She was 27 years old, but her body never grew past 5 feet. Huge sage green eyes dominated her face, and she was wearing her mask. I can always tell a fake smile from a real one.
    “Hey, beautiful,” I managed to say. I faltered for a minute, and asked it: “How’s the baby?”
I knew as soon as I said it. Persephone’s eyes held mine for an uncomfortably long time. Then, she turned and stormed out of the room. I watched her jog out into the parking lot through my window (I was one of the lucky patients with a view). Her small white hands covered her face; but I knew she was crying. I stared out the window for a few minutes, numb and speechless until I heard somebody clear their throat loudly. I turned my muddy eyes to the woman stood next to my bed stand. She dressed casually, and had short, spiky hair the color of paprika. I could almost taste it on my sandpaper tongue. Our conversation happened like this:
    “Hi, you must be Soleil. I’m Sarah,” she chirped. “How are you? Wow, that is quite a tattoo! I’ve always wanted one, but I could never decide on a design!”
    I stared at her. My mind was still processing what had just happened with Persephone, and this woman was a lot to take in. At first, I was mostly shocked that she pronounced my name right. Six months of hearing ‘Soley? Soleei? Sole lee I?’ was beginning to drive me crazy. It’s Soleil, the French word for sun. Persephone despised our names, and our Wiccan parents, but I kind of like our names - our unique names. Then she mentioned my tattoo, which most people are afraid to do, and actually complimented it. It starts at my neck and extends down to my chest and shoulders: a swirling and colorful collection of trees, pentagrams, and beautiful goddesses. It’s the kind of tattoo that gets me dirty looks from older women, and wide-eyed stares from children. I knew she was here for a job, but at the same time this woman was different - I wanted to trust her.
    “Um, thanks,” I mumbled. “So which one are you: doctor, lawyer, psychologist? I’ve already seen all of them. And nobody has made progress with me.”
    She smiled, but her eyes looked tired. “Technically, I’m a psychologist. I just started working here in the hospital. I‘m here to learn you about and help your situation,” She said confidently.
    I laughed half-heartedly. “And they gave you me to work on? I’m sorry, Sarah but you are really an unlucky one. I’ll give you a brief run-down of my situation.”
    Sarcasm was not my way of dealing with things, but I felt it trickle into my voice anyway. I expected her to sit down next to me in the hard plastic chair and take notes like a dutiful shrink, but was surprised when she kicked off her Italian shoes and sat cross-legged on the end of my bed.
    “Alright, lay it on me,”
    Sarah really had no idea what she was getting into.
    I talked to her for a long time; it felt like days. I was hesitant at first, skimming the details of why I was in the hospital, about my childhood, about my sister. I stared out the window a lot. It was the outside world, reality, but not quite real. The best time was when it rained, I loved to watch the raindrops on the window. I could stare at them for hours, watching them race and flutter like dancers. Today, I was looking at the trees over the parking lot. They stood, with their old back stooped over, in a mixture of litter and rainwater. I told Sarah about the poetry; I even asked her to write a poem for me, about the decaying trees. I told her about the little black book, too.
    “So, tell me about your sickness. The nurse just sort of tossed me in here; I’m still in the dark about a lot.”
    I tried to smile. “So am I. The doctors tell me it’s a nerve thing - something in my back got messed up when I was a little kid. Whatever it was grew up with me, and by the time I was 18 everything seemed normal - until I collapsed in my apartment unable to move my legs. I lost control of the rest of my body over time. Since I have to family (other than my sister) the hospital sort of took me in. I’ve been paralyzed from the neck down for about a year now.”
    “Apartment?” Sarah asked, but she already knew why.
    My mom died when I was 16. Persephone was deep into college, so I had to work things out for myself. I couldn’t imagine sucking the life out of that beautiful college girl - nobody likes their weird little sister crashing parties. I pulled some strings and got my own place, got a ridiculous tattoo, and quit high school. I worked odd jobs, from cleaning toilets at grocery stores to being a personal bookkeeper to a senator. If you told the small girl sitting in that senator’s library that she would lose control of herself and her life in just a few years, she wouldn’t have believed you.
    I fell asleep to Sarah’s voice, and woke up a couple hours later to her face an inch from mine.
    “Hey, Sunshine. Tell me about your sister.”
    I’ll admit it took me a little to figure out what was going on. Usually when I pass out, I don’t remember much of what happened before. Which is why Persephone isn’t speaking to you. Remember you mentioned it, the taboo, the baby.
    “Persephone…I have always looked up to her, but we were never close at kids. She was blonde and beautiful, always with the boys. She got into a lot of trouble and never had time for me. And then the whole thing with the…” My eyes suddenly became very interested in a stray box of rubber gloves.
    Her face softened, “the baby?”
    Persephone got pregnant at 15. Not a huge surprise now that I look back on it, but at age 12 I was fascinated and horrified at the same time. Telling mom was not an option, and she “knew a guy”.
    “She can’t have children now…she has tried so many times. She got pregnant a couple months ago…she just found out it was a miscarriage.”
    We talked a little longer about my sister, about my sickness, parents, the hospital food, and when we finally got to talking about the weather, I decided to tell her about the book. Because of my condition, I constantly am waking up and falling asleep. The strangest things happen when I do; I’m not sure if I’m dreaming or if I’m awake or if I am just taking medication that’s a little too strong. I am writing poetry with hands in a little black journal with gold letters on the front. The words are always flowing, light and beautiful like they could float off the pages. All I’ve ever wanted to do was be a writer.
    “Well, I don’t see why you can’t be one,” Sarah said confidently.
    I looked at her, and then motioned to my body with my eyes. “Not exactly the body of a famous novelist, is it?”
    I loved the smile Sarah gave me at that moment. She picked up her purse, and slipped out of my room with a wink and the lingering words “Well, we will see about that.”
    I can’t wait until our next session.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Dream Images





20 Dream Related Poems, Books, and Songs

1. Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll
2. Wrecked by E.R. Frank
3. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
4. How to Interperet Dreams and Visions by Perry Stone
5. The book of Dreams and Ghosts by Andrew Lang
6. Lucid Dreaming: the Gateway to the Inner Self by Robert Waggoner
7. Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer
8. Misery by Stephen King
9. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
10. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
11. Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach
12. Dream Book Series by Craig Hamilton-Parker
13. A Dream by William Blake
14. Dreams in the Dusk by Carl Sandburg
15. The Dream by Alexander Pushkin
16. I Dreamed of Forest Alleys Fair by Robert Louis Stevenson
17. The Dream by Louise Bogan
18. June Dreams in January by Sidney Lanier
19. A Day Dream by Emily Bronte
20. A Dream by Helen Hunt Jackson

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Van Halen "Dreams" 1986 United States

World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin' down
Better change your tune
Yeah, you reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby, just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

Yeah, we'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
Higher and higher
Leave it all behind
Oh, we'll get higher and higher
Who knows what we'll find?

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

And in the end on dreams we will depend
'Cause that's what love is made of

Hina Babar Ali "Dreams and Reality" 2002 Pakistan

Illusion
"I reclined on the armchair of dreams
and the leaves beneath my feet
rustled and turned yellow to green.
In the night, the ambulance breaks
the silence that we crave for
and in the afternoon sun,
all things seem Holy.

I opened your letter reluctantly
to find new uses for old words,
and they flowed away like a black river
dying from pollution of thoughts
already cremated in ivory towers
near the hill of erupting dreams.

And as I walked into
the shadow of a tree,
I saw a refreshing image
of you upon the green.
I touched the cool
fresh blades and found
my hand was alone in the grass.
The sky was bright and clear.
I saw miles
beyond my being –
where the sparrow sings
and the raven sits"

Alan Siegal "Dream Wisdom" 2003 United States

"During a crisis or after a traumatic event, it is important to know nightmares are more common and upsetting. We experience each nightmare as a traumatic event and for those who have experienced violence, a natural disaster, accident or other trauma, posttraumatic nightmares rub salt on our emotional wounds. Keep in mind that moderately upsetting nightmares may actually be a positive sign of normal coping but very graphic nightmares that are repetitive and unchanging may signal an emotional impasse.

Nightmare remedies are self-help techniques that can help adults and children break the spell of their bad dreams and use them for personal growth and creative inspiration. A simple method for transforming nightmares is to use the 4 R’s of nightmare relief. Reassurance, Rescripting, Rehearsal, and Resolution.

Reassurance is the first and most important step. This breaks the spell of the nightmare by giving emotional reassurance and for family members or children, physical comforting may help as well. Once you feel reassured and the nightmare’s reign of terror has been overthrown, you can relax, become curious about the nightmares meaning and message and begin to approach the dream in a more playful manner.

Knowing that occasional nightmares are normal and their frequency and intensity may increase during crises may also be reassuring. A key factor, especially for children, is not to dismiss or ignore the nightmare with a message that “it’s just a dream” or you should just ignore it. Nightmares, especially during a life crisis are very hard to ignore.
Reassurance paves the way for Rescripting the dream. Rescripting uses discussion, fantasy, writing, art, or drama to re-experience and revise different parts of the dream narrative with the goal of opening up new endings and directions. You can use techniques from the Experiential Dream Menu in Chapter 11 of Dream Wisdom, to transform and tame the most threatening interactions and moments in the nightmare. This can be as simple as experimenting with rewriting one or more new endings for the dream or may involve more elaborate free associations to link the conflicts in the nightmare to unresolved life issues.

The third R needed to implement a nightmare remedy is Rehearsal. This involves multiple forays and trials of rewriting and re-enacting the dream. If you are having nightmares about an auto accident or serious physical injury, imagining one new ending may only be the beginning. Depending on your creative inclinations, you may need to write out one or more new endings, sketch or paint the threatening elements in the dream or role play with a friend or with a psychotherapist or dream group. Creating new endings does not have to involve killing your dream adversary. The terrorist or robber or wild animal can be frozen or shackled. Walls, cages, force fields, or even magic wands can be made available as you rehearse dream solutions. Adults may need to loosen up their imagination but children take to this easily especially with adult guidance. And for children, non-violent strategies for subduing dream villains can model creative problem-solving strategies that do not necessarily emphasize violence.

Rehearsal is somewhat parallel to the phase of psychotherapy, called “working-through” which involves taking breakthrough insights and testing them out in a variety of ways with people and situations. When nightmares are extremely painful or repetitive or related to a profound trauma, rescripting and rehearsing dream solutions may need to be repeated before the nightmares subside. It is important to keep in mind that conjuring up one new fantasy ending for a dream is not going to solve a deep problem that may be causing the nightmares. However, even if dream rehearsals must be repeated for people who are suffering more severe trauma, even initial efforts at rescripting may in some cases, dramatically reduce the incidence of posttraumatic nightmares.

The final Nightmare Remedy “R” is Resolution. Discussion and various trials of rescripting and rehearsing solutions usually trigger insights about what life issues are causing the nightmares. At this point, the dreamer on her own or with the help of a friend or psychotherapist is ready to resolve the nightmare. Resolution occurs when the dreamer brainstorms and identifies behaviors they can further examine or try to change. Examples of resolution would be Lisa’s work-related nightmares series in Chapter 6, of Dream Wisdom, which included the dream, ‘Too Many Chefs Spoil the Stew”. After rescripting the dream, she realized, she had denied her assertive side and was being taken advantage of by the employees in her restaurant. After rehearsing various dream assertiveness strategies for rescripting the attacks of her wayward employees, she made a series of changes that led to exerting more clear authority at work and being more aware of her tendency to deny her assertive side.

We do not have to suffer nightmares in silence. Using the menu of techniques in this section and chapter 11 of Dream Wisdom, you can detoxify your nightmares, and use them as a source of insight and personal growth. In more acute situations, resolving nightmares can create breakthrough in dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic situation."

Martin Luther King Jr. "I have a Dream" 1963 United States

"I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day."